I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it's like iHOP with fire
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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