I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All the doctor said was why
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
