It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
