hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
