i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
