I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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