There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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