I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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