awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
