i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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