Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
