I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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