The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
