If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
