I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
