My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
