Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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