im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
