2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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