hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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