I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
