If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
