i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
