it was like eating out sand paper
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
