The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
