Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Randomize
