Don't make out with my wife yet
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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