I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
