matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We need a shit load of segways right now
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
