I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
