Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Drake has all the answers
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
