Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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