forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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