PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
