toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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