a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm bleeding and have questions
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
