Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
