I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
