when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
