I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
