this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
