she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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