Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
