Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
