My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
