I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My vagina is very pro this idea
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
