Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
