ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize