I think I won the penis lottery.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
