If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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