So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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