everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
