Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
