Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
