i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
