I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm sobbing to NWA
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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