On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
