Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
even my farts smell like vagina
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
