Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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