My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
