I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
