I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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